Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions”-(Austro-German lyric poet, author of Duino Elegies and Sonnets to Orpheus, 1875-1926)

Things have been rather intense lately, and troubling times have reminded me of parts of myself I thought I left at home. My stress partly arises from the dilemmas I have encountered in my research. I traveled to Novi Sad in northern Serbia on Saturday to have all three of my interviewees canceled on me, and this was only the beginning of a trail of research disaster I would rather not spend more time reflecting on. I am not the only one who things that writing a 50 page paper in the next 10 days is a stretch. Also, I have forgotten what it feels like to hear my own voice. Living in the tiniest room with three other people for a month begins to wear on one. Perhaps it is the result of my stress but in addition to all of this I have become a little bit hypochondriac, thinking that surely there is something wrong with me. I should be optimistic and say, hey at least I didn’t freak out till the end, but I cannot deny that I am really starting to miss home. The days are too short here, you cannot go anywhere without encountering cigarette smoke and….oh my listen to me, haha. I make it sound as if nothing good is coming of any of this, and that is far from the truth. I have interviewed many intriguing activists who have actually provided me with a lot of direction…

I came to Serbia intending to make a huge difference in the lives of everyone I met here, but frankly the most substantial thing I am taking away from this experience is a new sense of humility. I have spoken with individual after individual who has told me that while they deeply contemplated leaving Serbia when times were harsh, they feel accountable to the people here and their needs. I am taken aback by this. I look at myself dancing all over the world, calling myself an activist, but the reality is I will never know the needs of people and about their experiences as well as their own people. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am going to put touristic activism to the side for a bit and explore the ways I can be more effective at home. I have a passion for serving people, and many of the tools to do so, however, I think I have been denying the obvious, that I am hindered by the inevitable limitations I will face each time I try to assist individuals in a culture I am unfamiliar with.

I have been working on a Truman grant proposal the last couple days. If I am selected as a scholar, I will receive money for the graduate school of my choice, or I should say of the choice of the director of my University’s honors departments. The questions are absolutely terrifying like, what do you see yourself doing in five, ten years, what problems do you want to commit your life to combating etc. I think I lost touch with reality by the end of the application because I starting writing about how much I love my family and how I want to get my yoga and massage licenses. Dr. Manyard, the director of the honors department, said that I need to give slightly more convincing reasons about why I should attend Harvard’s Kennedy school of Government. I responded that I really do want to get my yoga license in 10 years. He then said that perhaps there would be a different way to express this. Somehow, my original idea of obtaining my yoga license has transformed into starting a 501c3 that facilitates dialogue among NGOs working on common causes….go figure.

Ok, back to research. I am actually interviewing two women this evening. One works with Roma survivors of trafficking through jewelry making workshops, and the other works with these same women through psycho-drama workshops. At this point in my day, I actually feel like I need to be attending these workshops rather than interviewing the directors about them, haha. Just kidding. Ciao for now.